CATEGORY / Self Love

18Jun

2020

admin / Self Love / 0 comment

Emotional Needs and Next Steps to Reduce Anxiety

(First published June 15, 2020, in indiacurrents.com)

Are you feeling anxious during these troubled and difficult COVID times? Anxiety starts to affect our mental and physical status. We worry about our families, friends, and ourselves. What if something happens, what next? Fear, and anxiety, come from thinking of the future.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a motivational theory in psychology comprising a five-tier model of human needs. In the traditional Maslow pyramid, we see that the basic physiological ( food, water, warmth, rest) and safety needs ( security, safety) are not met for many of us. Many have lost their jobs, do not have a roof over their heads or even food to eat. This causes immense anxiety, frustration, anger, and fear. However, even for those whose primary needs are met, there is still a tremendous amount of anxiety. To help understand and cope with this feeling in these unusual times I have redefined the upper part of the pyramid.

In these uneasy COVID times, it is necessary to ease our minds. What are our emotional needs during a difficult time like this? Here is a simple diagram that helps explain it. During this time it is good to go within us.

Let’s look at this diagram. We need to accept this situation as it is. It may not be what we anticipated or wanted, but with Acceptance, it will be easier to deal with the situation, rather than fight against it.

Routine is a sequence of actions regularly followed. In these times it would be beneficial to create a healthy routine. Pick things that you have control over and make them an integral part of your routine. When new things show up that are not in your control, let them go, and don’t let it affect your routine. In this process of not being able to be always in control of happenings, anger, and frustration arise, which need to be slowly released.

Would you like to connect with others? We have been asked to social distance. The effects of this have brought about sadness and a feeling of loneliness. Even though you are social distancing, you can nurture your relationships with emotional Connections. Go on, pick up the phone, and speak with a friend, text, or use social media. Share your feelings and know that you are still connected even though you are physically apart. This is not forever.

The world has slowed down so that you can discover yourself. Think about taking a pause and figuring out what is the new normal. When you Reset, what you thought meant something important to you may have changed. What seemed normal no longer seems useful to you.

For many of us, it is hard to concentrate on our emotional needs when we are filled with anxiety and fear. Use these next steps to reduce your anxiety first so that you can take care of yourself and the needs within.

1. Reduce watching and listening to negative news.
2. Enjoy family time with a feeling of gratitude. I understand it is difficult at times being under the same roof. Cooking, cleaning, teaching kids (homeschooling), video conference meetings, loud music, dogs barking. Once this is over you will realize that this was an opportune time to bond with each other. So make it happen now.
3. Be in the present. Anxiety, worries, and fear come from thinking of what will happen in the future. Just live for the moment as life is precious and should not be taken for granted.
4. I find yoga, meditation, and most of all a good night’s sleep valuable to calm my mind. Many apps and sites offer meditation sequences.
5. Practice gratitude. Gratitude for being you, for having the smallest of things. Gratitude for the frontline workers, researchers and so much more.
6. Exercise helps release your feel-good chemicals. If you are allowed to and it is safe then, walk, run, cycle with 6-foot social distancing in a non-crowded area while wearing a mask. Come home and wash your hands.
7. It is time to take on a new hobby, or even learn a new language. All the things you always wanted to do but didn’t have time for.
8. Charity is giving. Giving makes you have a feeling of purpose and control. Donate to an organization, assist the elderly, support those who need your help.

I keep asking myself what is troubling me. Is it the fear of my fragile life, that my loved ones or I am locked down at home? So many things keep flitting through my mind, causing anxiety but the best approach is to look at what I have and be thankful. Be in the moment.

25Apr

2020

admin / Self Love / 0 comment

Looking for the Good Within

(First published April 18, 2020, in indiacurrents.com)

Breathe, and take a moment to think about how you truly feel in these uncontrollable times. We all feel some level of anxiety, some more than others. How we manage and handle this anxiety will impact both us and those around us.

There is COVID-19 news everywhere we turn and we feel like a pressure cooker at home, lonely, anxious and ready to explode. Some of us feel lost and unable to control things for us and our loved ones. What feels overnight, we have been confined to our homes with or without family members.

As it is said that,” You can’t calm the storm… so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.” We need to gather ourselves and stay calmfor ourselves but also our elderly, our children and the immune-compromised.

What can I say to help you in this time of need? What if we tried to change your thought process by changing your frame of mind? Can we try to change the story you are telling yourself? At this time, tell yourself that the Universe is giving the world a chance to reset itself by slowing down, for you to look at life from a different perspective and reconsider our ways. Sometimes taking time to do nothing brings everything in perspective.

We realize that we are deeply interconnected with human interaction that we have taken for granted. Becoming aware of what we had and being grateful for the smallest of things we have now, will help us move forward. You are alive and breathing if you are reading this and we need to feel the warmth of gratitude. You may like to place a ‘gratitude jar’ in your home and let everyone put in a slip for expressing what they are grateful for. You will realize that there are chaos and difficulty in the real world, but you are still able to find things that you are thankful for in this present moment. Writing and reading these slips of gratitude will help change your thought process to look for the good! As I mention in my book, ‘You Are the Cake’, “The simple daily act of gratitude can lower our stress levels and ground us for a healthier and happier life… Be in the moment and feel how fortunate you are in so many ways. Count your blessings.” Read these slips of gratitude and over time your mind will automatically look for the good.

Send out your positive vibes to others and those suffering. But in all this do not lose focus that you must practice self-care and compassion. You have time now to spare, so sit down and be steadfast and reduce your anxiety. Don’t give all your attention to the external world. Look for the good within. How do you do this and reduce stress? Meditation, Visualization Tapping are different ways of achieving this (you can find more information in my book, You Are the Cake). At this time of need, I have made the kindle version available at virtually no cost to everyone.

Here is a short Metta or loving-kindness meditation and visualization we can use to reduce our fears and send out positive vibes to the world.

Sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes.
Breathe in and out regulating the breath.
Visualize yourself, your family, your loved ones, the community and the people of the world one by one.
Say this in your mind with a feeling of compassion.

May I and the others be happy, safe and well.

May there be peace, wellness, and love.

All is okay

Continue breathing with calmness in every breath.
Close your eyes and picture that you are gathering all your negative stressful thoughts.
Visualize yourself taking a broom and sweeping up all the negativity. Picture it being put into a bag and thrown away. Let go of this stress and move forward towards looking for the good.
Visualize yourself calm, well and happy. Breathe, be grateful and open your eyes gently. Let that smile linger on your face and in your heart.
Feel the stillness deep inside and keep some energy and balance within.

Mental and social isolation can get to one. I suggest that you connect with your friends and family via phone, video conferencing, emails or so many more ways. I can video-chat, participate in group calls or multiplayer social games with my friends. This laughter and connection make me feel good and centered.

Listen to the fact that we need to shelter-in-place to provide safety and flatten the curve of this deadly outbreak. To those who can offer help to the elderly via shopping or other errands, please reach out safely. You can donate to the families of the first responders, our heroes or the homeless. Donate blood at the Red Cross. Some people are printing 3D face masks for the responders, others sewing masks. Do whatever you can to help this hurting world. Working on a hobby will keep you focused and fulfilled. I enjoy painting and trying to sing, but when I do then everyone leaves the room!

We can take turns becoming a balm for each other. Let’s not worry about being perfect or getting it all right. Know that you are doing the best you can.

Reduce your stress, be in the moment and be grateful for the smallest of things. Stress makes you believe that everything needs to happen right now while faith assures you that everything will happen at the right and perfect time. Have faith and move towards looking for the good.

02Nov

2019

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Want to say No, But I say YES

(First published November 2, 2019 in indiawest.com)

Sometimes I feel trapped in my own thoughts. In my head, I can hear myself saying no,
no, no, but I blurt out ‘yes’. Are you the kind of person who likes to please everyone?

I was a pleaser and always said yes until I learned that I was doing it to be liked and not cause disappointment to others. But what about how I felt? Over time I have learned to say yes but also have learned at the appropriate times to decline in a courteous manner.

We all want to be liked and accepted by others and are scared to disappoint by saying no. But what are you really doing; you are being agreeable to please them, but unfortunately not being true to yourself.

We are taught as children that saying no is mean, rude and inappropriate. On the other hand yes was the likable appropriate answer which brought about acceptance. What happens to us when we say no, we tend to feel that guilt and shame of not saying yes and we tend to feel rejected.

A valuable lesson for you to learn is that you are worthy and have a choice to make with saying yes or no in accordance with the situation in a polite manner. Are you the kind of person who is continuously worried about the opinion of others and what they will think when you say no?

Next time you are in a situation where you want to say no, say it in a polite manner so as not to hurt the other, but still, be authentic to your thought and situation. Remember to let go of the guilt associated with saying no.

Here are a few ways and examples to say no:

I have noticed that when I had said yes many times, I really wanted to get out of the situation and then had to come up with a lie which made it worse for me as I was burdened with more guilt.

Be brief, not too brief and gentle, not curt.

Letting people know why instead of just a straight-up no, helps explain the situation and ease their mind.

Bad example: No, I cannot come.

Good example: Thank you for thinking of me for the vacation but unfortunately I am busy in that slot of time. But do be in touch. (Here you are not telling them what you are doing in the slot of time and you do not have to)

You can blanket it with a compliment or a bit of kindness

Reassure the person with a few words of kindness but again you do not have to give a long explanation.

Bad example: No way, that will be too much work for me!!!!!

Good example: Your idea about wanting to have a party in my backyard is great, but at this time it is not a great fit for us.

How about giving the reason to clarify the situation.

Letting people know helps them know why and being candid with an explanation, reassures them that you have a valid reason.

Bad example: No time to help with your project. Too busy.

Good example: Sorry but I am busy with a project deadline and unable to assist you at this time. All the best.

Now it’s time to laugh with Mickey Mouse saying NO.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeRYuMEM_4k

11Jul

2019

admin / Self Love / 0 comment

Tilling the Soul

Feeling the soil run through my fingers uplifts my mood and brings about a sense of serenity. Being connected with the earth, with its abundance and beauty instills a sense of joy. The warm breeze blows through my hair, and I keep pulling weeds out one by one. I imagine that getting rid of each weed is like pulling out a ‘weed of life’.

I have noticed that when I pull out a weed, it sometimes comes back to grow again. Should I have dug deeper to pull out this strongly rooted weed? What are these ‘weeds of life’ which I refer to? Could it be that they are hatred, anger, self-doubt, guilt which grow and spread to cause pain and turmoil in our lives? These stubborn weeds fail to go away completely. How do I start to remove these weeds which strangle the flowering plants? How do I till the soul to create a bed of love, happiness, gratitude, and peace?

The sun is lower in the sky and the cool breeze now caresses my face. I have worked through the day knowing that I have rooted out each stubborn weed completely. It takes motivation, effort, and determination to remove these’ weeds of life’ and be a better version of oneself. I know that if I let the weeds unattended, it will crush the seedlings. I continue to care for my garden, understanding that the core idea is to eliminate the weeds, aerate the soil, fertilize for the new seeds to grow. Acceptance, loving-kindness, compassion and lowering that negative inner chatter brings about a beautiful tilled soul.

11Jun

2019

admin / Gratitude, Self Love / 0 comment

Living in the Moment

What has brought me to this realm of peace and happiness? Struggling with a debilitating chronic illness, I was unhappy. I recall this memorable day, when I looked out and glimpsed the beauty of the whirring wings of a hummingbird, as it sipped the sweet nectar of life. There was an instantaneous feeling of living in the moment!

What does it mean to live in the moment? Your life consists fully of being in the present moment. Everything that happens, happens for you in the present moment. When you recall your past, you do it in the present moment and that which will happen (future) can only happen in the present moment. People ask how can we be in the present moment if we have to plan goals for the future? As Gandhi said, “The future depends on what we do in the present.” We all have a vision or goals for the future but we implement and plan it in the present moment.

Look at me, I spend most of my time in the present moment but I am goal-oriented and this brings about a sense of joy, and empowerment. I write down a daily plan and then I execute it while focusing and flowing with the happenings. Having goals and being in the present go hand in hand and are not contradictory. Stay in the present but keep your sight on the goal.

We tend to contemplate about the past or project about our future, and we let the precious moments slip by. Be cognizant of the moment which leads us moment to moment to what we term the’ future’ but is really the moment in the Now.

How does being in the present moment bring about happiness and peace? Mindfulness is innate and Jon Kabat Zinn defines mindfulness as, “Paying attention: On purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally. In our society we tend to live on auto-pilot or mindlessness. Have you completed projects or achieved a goal with a feeling of just doing and grappling with wanting to get more and more done, instead of being mindfully present and just living? After having driven from San Francisco to San Diego, did I notice the sights and smells along this journey or was it that I reached the destination with my mind being on autopilot? Being present and in the moment is being in the here and now. We release the anxiety and stress of wanting more and for things to be different, by learning to accept the present moment as it is.

Being mindfully present, our monkey mind stops the inner chatter and we become present. There is this feeling of connecting with your deeper self, less distractions and there is an awakening which makes you feel alive and free. As Eckhart Tolle says, “People live as if the present moment were an obstacle that they need to overcome, in order to get to some better point which never arrives.” It makes living difficult. The peace which lives in my soul is that of being in the Now, aligned with whatever I am doing with the fullest attention and being their completely. It means that every present moment which is the best, builds on each other to bring out your realization as your desired vision.

What if the present moment is uncomfortable, unbearable or painful what do you do? What if your job makes you unhappy, you have an illness or you are in a difficult relationship? In these times how do you practice being present? There are a few ways that may help you: accept it, change your situation or remove yourself from it. What I have learned after years of living with a chronic illness is compelling, so hear me out. I suggest that you relax into the painful situation. Instead of fighting against the unquestionable moment of discomfort, learn to accept it. Acceptance does not mean giving up or fighting against: it is to flow with what is unfolding. Even though you don’t like it you will be at ease when you stop disagreeing. At that moment question yourself, such as do you have a roof over your head, do you have loved ones? During this difficult situation, you will be able to find something small but meaningful that you are grateful for.

Our society expects us to be able to handle all situations perfectly and we internalize and cause our own pressures. What if, in the next difficult instance you stop worrying about what should have taken place or what will take place. Take comfort in knowing that you are doing the best in this difficult time. I was too weak physically and mentally, and unable to walk well, so I accepted the situation I was in. Accepting and being grateful for the smallest of things has brought me to a place where I am now able to enjoy walking.

We think we can survive without help and we tend not to ask for help. Society makes us feel that asking for help is a weakness. There is a blessing in asking and receiving. In my situation, I let go of my ego and reached out to my family and close friends. I am grateful to each one of them for pushing me in my wheelchair when I needed it, being there for me and showing me their love.

Come on, live life in the present, do not relive the past or waiting for the future. Live with gratitude, and accept the situation, however difficult it is. Life is for the taking and it will open up to you in beautiful ways.

07May

2019

admin / Self Love / 0 comment

A Mother’s Unconditional Love

(First published May 6, 2020, in indiacurrents.com)

Wooooooosh, a loud exhale, and then a soft inhale. I could hear my young daughter quietly scurry across the hallway calling her brother in hushed tones. Long before I knew it, they both were sitting in the lotus yoga pose, imitating me, with their eyes closed, making those absurd exhale wooshes. Along came a giggle and then another until they fell over laughing holding their tummies, making me laugh out loud while enjoying this strong mother-child bond.

Motherhood is the noblest of callings and a privilege to be entrusted with a tiny human life. Motherly love is unconditional and is the foundation of a child’s growth. This kind of love helps foster self-confidence and has a long-lasting impact on developing their minds and shaping their conscience.

The role of the mother is to watch, teach, guide, and help in the growth and development of a child. There is an unfathomable, deep, trusting love that connects mother and child.

Motherhood for me is a privilege and an adventure. It is guiding my children to be the best versions of themselves and make good choices. To help them grow to be kind, confident, caring, and loving. To be their cheerleader, to hold their hand, and at the same time teach them boundaries. Being a mother is ensuring a feeling of safety and love though it sometimes comes with fears, worries, and heartache. Motherhood is a gift to be grateful for and the joy of seeing the wonders through your children’s eyes

Don’t we all come to a realization that “Oh no, I have become my mother.” It is not a bad thing. You start saying some phrases like her and even your expressions take on those of your mothers. I recall my charming mother who took the time to talk to me about politics, finance, and just about everything. She was full of life and came down to my level of wanting to have fun and a deep bond grew. I am so grateful that she was my guiding light. I miss and thank you, mom!

This Mother’s Day, take time to talk with your mom and give her some of your time. We tend to hear about ourselves but do we take time to ask our moms more about themselves? Here are a few questions to help you.

(i) What’s something you wanted to do but didn’t’….why?

(ii) Who were your role models when you were young and do you have any now?

(iii) Was there a situation that made you see the world differently?

(iv) What was the first year of motherhood like for you?

(v) Describe your perfect day.

Being a mother is a joyous gift, being blessed and also the toughest with its fears and worries. Take heart in the love you receive from your mother…she holds your soul in her heart!

11Apr

2019

admin / Gratitude, Self Love / 0 comment

A Love Affair

Imperfections, blemishes, wrinkles and a sad face is what I used to see in the mirror. Now, when I look at the reflection in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman filled with joy, contentment and the spirit to live. I call out to her,- “ I love you, I love you!” She looks back at me and smiles, knowing that she deserves this love affair with herself!

Were you told that it is okay to love yourself or that this is a narcissistic and selfish thing to do? Narcissists need external validation and constant praise while someone who has self-love has a strong sense of self-acceptance, compassion for themselves and others, and a high sense of self-worth. Social, peer and media pressures can condition us to feel that we are not worthy of our love, self or otherwise. Accept and embrace yourself just the way you are, and start treating yourself with self- respect and compassion.

Do you tend to measure your worthiness with regard to status symbols such as the car you drive, clothes, technology you use, jewelry? People with healthy self-love have consistent internal values and actions which bring about a sense of satisfaction.

Reduce the persecutory inner critical voice which is judgemental and tends to undermine your positive thoughts. This voice is experienced as thoughts within your head. The internalized dialogue can be harsh and is the root of maladaptive behavior. When you fail or make a mistake, observe the language you use. Over time you will realise that making mistakes, failing are part of a learning curve.This growth will build your self -confidence and worth. The first step for change is to be aware and observe and then secondly to accept that you want to make this change and lastly one needs to take action and make the necessary change.The change of treating oneself with an understanding and compassionate internal voice.

There are various examples of this critical inner voice which we all experience such as, “ You are not smart enough to carry out this job.” Another one could be, “ Your relationships lead to sadness, you are not capable of a stable relationship.” It goes on and on and we need to understand that this leads us to a path of self-destruction or self-hatred.

When a parent, child, friend is in trouble, we naturally extend our hand to help them with love and compassion. Most of us in the same situation would put ourselves second in the running. Why is this? Don’t we deserve to be treated like we would like to be treated by others? Start accepting and loving yourself and once you are filled with love, it automatically radiates out to others. Your relationships with others is enriched.

When you start loving yourself, you learn to accept both the weaknesses and embrace your strengths. With regard to your relationships, work or health, a change takes place and you find yourself in a place of emotional and spiritual growth. Brimming with self-love attracts positive circumstances and people in your life.

In the morning when you look in the mirror while brushing your hair, smile, and see the beautiful YOU smile back. Know that you are gifted the way you are and enjoy your day!

Picture Credit – Bruce Mars (www.pexels.com/@olly)